Depression is Always Fun to Deal With

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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna

I cut myself again. And smoked a cigarette out my window while Al is asleep in the spare bed. I don’t know why I did it. That’s a lie. I do know. I spent all evening saying it. It’s because I deserve better than this, and I’m punishing myself for not being that. Richard confirmed to me that it’s embarrassing. PJ confirmed to me that I’m better than this. I hate myself for what I am right now. No one else is like this. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I haven’t even cried. It’s just so matter of fact. There’s no two ways about it. There’s no way back. I’m a fuck up. I can’t undo it. I hate myself. I hate what I am. Is it even worth trying to pick up the pieces or am I just a stupid unemployable idiot. I’m only cut out for manual labour, and that’s just because I’m fucking the boss. And even he doesn’t want me. I’m so fucking done with this. I feel so numb all the time. I’m so fucking useless. Al is upset about money all the time and I can’t even help. I don’t know how we’re going to get married or buy a house or anything because I’m a fuck up. I don’t deserve any of this. I’m not worth it.

dingdongyouarewrong
daggersandarrows

you know, the more i think about it, the angrier i get about how mainstream media and even people in general treated marie kondo when the life changing magic of tidying up got big. it's just so unnecessary and sad to me and i think the vast majority of people would love what she has to say if they just actually looked into it instead of maliciously memeing her to death? i'm not talking about the cutesy does it spark joy stuff but all the things portraying her as some bizarre evil cleaning dictator.

i actually read her book when i was about twelve years old, in the most shocking and probably only example of me ever being ahead of a trend, and even at twelve i really loved everything she said. at that point in time i lived in fear of my mother's threats that she would come and throw everything away while i was school, and my small and very adhd mind simply could not grasp the concept of "have less stuff". have less of WHICH stuff? how? i'd never actually been taught how to clean my room besides being told "pick up stuff" and "be organized", and as she points out multiple times, cleaning is not an intuitive thing. it's a learned behavior and skill.

anyways. her entire philosophy centers on surrounding yourself with things that you love, and only things that you love (or things that you absolutely need). she explicitly says over and over again that it is not about throwing things away, it is not about minimalism, it is not about "what is the smallest amount possible that you can survive on". she literally has a whole section where she talks about how hard it can be to throw things away when you've lived in poverty all your life and you don't have absolute confidence that you can replace something that you really needed if it gets thrown out, even though you're not likely to ever really need it--you've just been conditioned to think that because that's literally how you survive, when you're poor. she talks about how that mindset can serve and how it can damage. she talks about how minimalism is sort of a rich people thing, cause they can afford to throw everything away.

this woman really came out here and said "i want you to be surrounded by things you love and i'm going to validate your fears and your difficulties in getting to that place" and people somehow got mad at her. i don't understand it

Thoughts about Sir:

- I feel like, somehow, I’m holding onto the feelings I had about The Mould by doing what we’re doing. I like that we had that experience in common

- I like that we have something platonic in common too

- I like that he’s got me singing again. I missed it

- I’m finally “dating” the Head Chorister I always wanted back in primary school

- Sometimes he’s a bit full of himself, but I suppose I’ll allow it. It would be exhausting to be his primary partner though, I imagine

- He makes me confused about boundaries between play and reality. I don’t know how I feel about this

- I need to not love him

- But maybe it’s okay if I like him

wrote this some time in October Sir

I wonder if kink is self harm

It makes me feel good. But so did cutting myself.

I get off on the marks it leaves. Just like before.

I like that another person can do it to me. It feels like redemption.

I’m proud of myself when I take it. When he bruises me. When he pushes my limits. When he draws blood.

How do I know it’s not the same thing?

Sir

Today has been weird.

Al found out some shit about his dad. Like, some really serious shit. I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know what he will do about it. I want to be supportive but I don’t know how I can help.

And then I feel guilty about the fact that my first thought was how I can save my own skin. I worry that me and Sir’s relationship will make him upset, considering the way his dad has been. I wonder if he’ll feel more insecure, more unsafe. I’m scared of the things I haven’t told him about; does that make me as bad? Am I a bad person?

But he doesn’t want to know. So like, does that change where the boundary lies? If what he wants to know about is still clearly within the limits then are we cool? I would tell him more if he’d let me… I don’t know.

To top it off Sir hasn’t messaged today. I was prepared to not message him but it’s weird when he doesn’t write me. I guess he’s busy, which is fine, but I want him to want me yknow?

I hope everything will be fine. I’m scared and want to make everything okay again, but I can’t. I hate this.

Sir cute boy